Still going strong

Hello ,it has been some time since I have last written ,I think it was to depressing .It is hard enough to live it and I do not mean to sound selfish but my whole life has been turned upside down .I love my dad more than anything and I will continue to do what I can for him.I almost can't believe he is still here ,he was given 4~6 mths and we are almost at a yr .Thank God !!! 
  He is having a very hard time though ,he has no life at all .To weak to do much and it hurts my heart so much to watch it .Sometimes I just want to run away and shut it all out ,but I would come back and all of it would still be here .I am overwhelmed ,overtired and just so depressed .Of course there are other things going on ,nothing serious but enough to make this journey magnified .I can say this had made my Dad and I much closer .We spend time talking a  lot and I must say I enjoy this part of our time together and I believe my Father has been as well .I am going to end this post as the phone is ringing ...........

MOVING DAY

     Today Dad is moving in with Brett (husband) and I . There is not a lot to move .....it is just the impact of this ..it is really happening and now I am responsible for dads care .He starts Chemo on Friday the 6th of January .Which is stressful because Dad has heart problems which have to be monitored very closely.The chemo effects the heart quite a bit,which I wasn't aware of .
    I think the hardest part of all this is seeing my Father ,my strong Father scared ...I have never in my entire life seen him this way .Sometimes when we are younger I believe we think our Parents are invincible.They are not.....I just pray that emotionally I can handle this ..... 

Can I handle this .....

So today I spent the day changing my Grandsons Bedrm into a room for my Father .My Grandson ,Demetrius is only 4 and when he spends the night he sleeps with me .He is being a good sport the little monkey =D
   So moving day is Saturday ...I am nervous ....I am happy..... and I pray to God I can handle all this .It scares me to think that my Father is moving in to die.....It hurts just to think about it ....I don't want to lose my Dad ,this isn't fair ...I have days where I get mad that this is happening to MY Father ..why him ,he has been a good man his whole life ...why ...why.... Intellectually I know why ...he smoked...for a very long time and the irony of it is Dad quit smoking 7 yrs ago ....he had a scan 2 yrs ago and his lungs were clean now the cancer is eating one of his rib bones
  All I can do is pray

Christmas Day

Merry Christmas ....What a day 15 people at the house and Thank God for my son Mike ,he helped so ,so much .I love him as I love all my sons ...Steven ,Anthony and Mikey ..They are all good Boys and they have lost 2 Grandparents already to lung cancer .I hate to have to see them go through this again .They love their Grandfather very much and my heart breaks for them .
   Dinner time and I say Grace .....Thankful we were all in one spot on Christmas and Thankful everyone is still here .So of course within a short time my mind wanders ...will my dad be here next year ?? I have never seen my Dad so pale and frail as he is today ...Of course it makes me worry even more ...How is he truly feeling physically ??? ,how is he feeling mentally ???My Father grew up keeping his feelings to himself .. like feelings were a sign of weakness.....I wish he would open up just a little ..I keep telling him I am here if you want to talk Dad .."No I am alright " Which I know isn't true ,I can see it on his face ........I am Grateful and Thankful we are all still here ........

Cancer

‘My Journey with my Father ………….Cancer, just the word alone is scary .Cancer….. my heart feels so heavy just by the sound of it  ……..Your Father……I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and I  couldn’t breathe. So many things run through your mind but you can’t ask a thing because your head can’t quite grasp what was said. I still feel that way, if I stop to think about it .  I do think about my Dad ,My Hero ,the man that has been there for me my whole life .The Man I respect more than anyone in the world. My entire life I never heard my Dad say a bad word about anyone ….no matter what he must have thought sometimes. He worked so, so hard 12-14 hrs a day 365 days a year. He went through a lot as a single father of 3 children .I know he did he very best he could have .Funny I understand about that so much more now that I am older. Interesting how that works, things somewhat reversed. We become the “keepers” of our Parents more times than not and depending on birth order of siblings, one will have more responsibility concerning either Parent. One of whom may need help at some point.

               Which brings my Father and I on this journey together .He has stage 4 small cell lung cancer, which is not good .Period. Yes you can do radiation and or chemotherapy, but the success of “remission” is very slim. Without treatment not long at all.21 Days ago my Father started radiation, which had its own special issues( as I smile) .It has helped shrink one of the tumors, which was extremely important as it was growing towards Dads spinal cord ..Paralyzed from the neck down with lung cancer is no way to go …For anyone, I still think I hope this is a nightmare that I wake up from. I know I won’t though .So now we wait until 3 days after Christmas the 28^th to meet with the wonderful Dr.(everyone, Nurses, Drs. and ,techs  have been amazing .)And then we will know if it has spread to any other organs. There was a PET scan last week and 2 Biopsy’s (first one didn’t work) so until then we wait and we pray........